Does Your Parenting Style Differ From Your Partner? How to Work Together When Raising Your Kids

Jamie: Please Note: 0:00

*** This transcription was done through computer software, so there could be errors throughout the text. ***

Guy: 1:15

Welcome to the Davenport. This is Guy. I'm here with Jamie and we are back for another episode. Hi, Jamie.

Jamie: 1:21

Hi, how are you?

Guy: 1:24

I thought we'd start today, you know, we're always asking people to do reviews, and it those likes and give some stars. And I thought we just read a couple reviews we get sounds good. We read every single one we'd love them. And we'll share a couple here on air just to call out some people that have taken the time to put some words to their phone. So I'll start with one. This is titled The Davenport. It's from Nikki 15076. Thank you so much, Nikki. I love this podcast. It's so enlightening and fun. Jamie and guy are so relatable, entertaining and knowledgeable. At the end of every episode, I feel more self aware. I'm motivated to acknowledge and implement changes about my mental health or my relationships that will help me have a more satisfying balanced life.

Jamie: 2:06

I like that awesome. Nice. Yeah. Yeah.

Guy: 2:09

Thank you so much. But that hits all the points of why we do this. Yeah.

Jamie: 2:14

That if it's being helpful, right. Yeah. helps people name things. So thank you for sharing that. Yeah. And this one is from for us ranch living. So it doesn't have a name of person. And the title is best podcast. So thanks for that right

Guy: 2:26

there. Best podcast five stars.

Jamie: 2:28

But this person says hilarious stories, great advice and tangible tips. Jamie and guy are so personable and give real life advice that is interesting and entertaining. Great work. Definitely at the top of my list of favorite podcasts like a merry christmas right there.

Guy: 2:42

Oh, totally. Thank you so much for us ranch living. Right. So if you're out there listening for us ranch living or Nikki 15076. Hope you're having a great day. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for taking the time to do that. And thank you so much for that. Yes. And if you haven't, please feel free to go out and leave us a review. Let us know what you're thinking, what you like about the show. And if there's things we can do better.

Jamie: 3:05

Yeah. All right. You have an idea for a guest. Oh, yes.

Guy: 3:08

We are looking for guests for 2022. And if you know some of them be amazing on them. Davenport. Send us a DM or an email and do some introductions.

Jamie: 3:19

Are you think you might be a good? Guest? Yeah,

Guy: 3:22

you'd like to be on the Davenport. Let us know. Awesome. So here we are another week. Yes, sir. Holiday season it

Jamie: 3:30

is and it's fun. But it's like I keep thinking the older I get the faster this time of year goes.

Guy: 3:38

Yeah, I feel a little it's that. I don't want to say drowning. But that kind of breathless. Like there's from Halloween

Jamie: 3:45

to Christmas. So when you're a kid, it kind of drags. You're just like, Ah, it's like seven more weeks of Christmas. You know, you're like always kind of drags. And then Christmas break itself always went really fast. Right? But the countdown to Christmas was always like felt each other

Guy: 4:03

forever. Yes, it was those paper chains. So yes.

Jamie: 4:07

Like, ah after wait a whole 24 hours to take one off. And then now I feel like as soon as we hit Halloween, it's like, oh my gosh, and it's New Years. And I get overwhelmed by that. How fast it goes, you know, and I'm trying to be so intentional about like what we're doing. Like we're going like we got tickets to the Grinch tomorrow, going into Christmas concerts and things like that. I did it all in Yes, but But experiences. But then I just feel like oh my gosh, it's it's all slipping. I get really dramatic about it. So, you know, I know we're at that stage of teenage life where you're going to sleep in Christmas morning and you know,

Guy: 4:48

I wish so we're not quite there. Yeah,

Jamie: 4:50

no, Jake is gonna be up. He's gonna be up.

Guy: 4:53

He's up with a plan for sure. Okay, well as parents, I think that kind of segues into today's topic. We'll be talking about parenting.

Jamie: 5:04

Yeah. And it's interesting too, because this, today's topic is probably the most requested topic that we've had.

Guy: 5:10

Yeah, we keep a list of of topics that come in, or suggestions. And I was noticing going back through the list, this was listed, like four or five times. Yeah, list. Yeah. In different ways, but

Jamie: 5:20

all kind of the same. Yeah, I think that we haven't ever really addressed it. So if

Guy: 5:25

you're one of those listeners that has sent this in, today's your day, it's

Jamie: 5:28

for you. Yeah. Because really, this topic is more than one episode. It really, and parenting itself. There's tons of just parenting podcast, right? The whole podcast is parenting. And ours isn't that format. But certainly we address parenting and issues in parenting. But this topic itself could probably sustain a year's worth of podcasts.

Guy: 5:49

It probably keeps your couch a little full in your business, for sure.

Jamie: 5:53

And so this issue of parenting, when you're coming from two different styles or frameworks, right, different mindsets, yeah. And how to do that together and still be like in a compatible space?

Guy: 6:05

Yes. Yeah. It's not easy. How to maintain harmony. Yeah. And, and feel effective as parents, and you'd have difference of opinion.

Jamie: 6:13

Yeah. And what's interesting, as you go back to this, remember our strengths episode, and my number one is harmony, like, I need that harmony, to function. So so this is something that I actually feel like I do a lot of mental work, because no two parents are in the same space. No matter how much you have in common. You come from different backgrounds, and you're coming with a different set of expectations about what parenting is going to be like, Yeah,

Guy: 6:40

and you have your own values that play into that. And so everything that either happens, or we try to project is coming from a different source.

Jamie: 6:49

Yeah. And so it's interesting, because my husband and I are really aligned on the long term goal. But it's like, Okay, I'm gonna hike to the top of this mountain, we both have this goal, right, I could see where this goes. But the way we get to the top and how fast and whether we listen to music or not, are we you know, that's so different? Yeah. And that's kind of what we're talking about. So, my husband, I both know where we want to end up. But how we get there can look drastically different. And that can create conflict sometimes. Yeah. And so that's what we're going to talk about today. So good. Are you nervous? Like you're gonna self disclose? Like, oh, are you getting comfy on the couch?

Guy: 7:33

Are we good, Eric?

Jamie: 7:36

I know poor Davies like, to be represented by mercy. Yeah, people were giving him a hard time at Thanksgiving. Like, she talks about you a lot. He thought I know, I don't care. But that's it. He's good. Like that, right? There. It's

Guy: 7:51

totally fine with whatever I say, because she knows she has the ultimate edit power you can edit. She's gonna be like, Oh, well, that part isn't gonna be a show. We'll take that out.

Jamie: 7:59

Which is good. But I think in order to have a meaningful discussion, it's good to lay some groundwork on kind of defining

Guy: 8:07

different always definitions, definitions to at least kind of frame it.

Jamie: 8:11

Yeah. And there are different parenting styles. And when we talk about this, I don't want you to box yourself in it, like anyone listen to their fluid, they're a little bit right. And they're called different things. Like you could go to love and logic, and they're gonna call this helicopter versus drill sergeant versus something else, right. But I'm taking it back to the 60s. And, and so there was some research done at UC Berkeley, and they kind of look at what expectations of parents are for their children. And the responsiveness to their kids needs to kind of make up these categories. Okay. And so these are pretty broad. Yes, but helpful, and just kind of understanding a camp that you kind of sit in more.

Guy: 8:53

Yeah. And these words are kind of our clinical. Right, right, right. 60. So

Jamie: 8:57

it's the 60s, but you'll relate to them even now. So that first camp for parenting is authoritarian, and authoritarian parenting is more the rules are the rules no matter what. So like in my house,

Guy: 9:11

my house, this was called tyrant. Okay. Love and

Jamie: 9:15

logic. He those guys use the term drill sergeant, right? Like, which, which you can kind of conjure that up. And there's a lot of parents who run from that perspective, right. Like, these are the rules, and there's just no negotiating.

Guy: 9:27

Yeah. And I think too, the styles have ebb and flow of popularity given generations. Absolutely.

Jamie: 9:34

Absolutely. And, and so in that authoritarian camp, you believe in rules above all else. And then the discipline is really non negotiable. So say, you know, you can't drive for a week or you lose your phone for a week. Sometimes in certain other camps. You can negotiate that two, three days or whatever. But in that authoritarian parenting, it's just like, Nope, this is what I say. It's very black and white.

Guy: 9:59

Yeah. Oh, my Like, judicial in nature,

Jamie: 10:02

it's not the feelings aren't really a part of it.

Guy: 10:05

There's laws. There's judgment. Yeah, there's kinds of consequence. And so

Jamie: 10:09

you're frequently heard uttering things like my way or the highway, you know, kinds of things are in this house. We will not yes, yeah. Yes. So that's where that camp lies. And then so that kind of helps us understand the context of that.

Guy: 10:23

I think for me that my as a my early years when I babysit my siblings, your authoritarian, two brothers, two sisters. And I actually made a sign that said kitchen closed. Yeah. And I was the kitchen monitor. And it's my kitchen. Apparently, I had really strong feelings about eating between meals. And my siblings will not forget that. Yeah, like, oh, guy would close the kitchen. Like when

Jamie: 10:49

you came in at Thanksgiving. Was there a sign? Guy? Kitchen is closed?

Guy: 10:53

I do. We still use cash. Like if we've been eating too much or snack grazing. Hey, kitchens closed. Yeah, kitchens closed.

Jamie: 10:59

I use that term of my house. When I hear the cupboards late at night. I'm all Hey, kitchens closed. Mostly because I really don't want to clean up a mess. Unless I trusted that they would clean it.

Guy: 11:10

So it's it's an authoritarian style. It's like there's no negotiation, right? I don't care if you're hungry, or what the reason is, absolutely. Kitchens closed. Yeah.

Jamie: 11:18

And so that's one camp, right? Where some people kind of gravitate. The second one is more that permissive parenting where rules are meant to be broken. And so your kids might laugh at the mention of the word rule. Like oh, yeah, Dad's rules. Yeah, kind of thing, or consequences or something, you rattle off, but you never enforce it. Okay? Or you prefer to parent at a distance. Like, if there's a serious problem, you'll get a text.

Guy: 11:44

It's just the free range parenting kind of a little

Jamie: 11:47

bit, you know, like, just like they'll learn kids will be kids. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Guy: 11:52

What can you do? Right there kids.

Jamie: 11:54

And that's exactly what you're here. They're just more lacs and lenient. For sure. It's

Guy: 11:59

not totally lawless. But they're there relax.

Jamie: 12:02

And they have that belief that consequences don't have to be enforced in order for there to be an impact.

Guy: 12:09

Got it? Right, where kids are learning. Yeah, through experience. Yeah. Without too much oversight.

Jamie: 12:14

Yeah. Then the third camp is authoritative parenting, where there's expectations, but also resources are king. So this is an example of that, when you're all about setting expectations. And then you also provide the resources kids need to meet them. So maybe you expect your kids to get good grades. So you provide a space for them to study, you provide a tutor if they're struggling. You, you know what you sit down with them and help them or you know, you read a rough draft for them. You're engaged in the process,

Guy: 12:48

and you mentioned expectations so that there's clear expectations of we'd like this and you. It's agreed

Jamie: 12:55

right away. What's interesting about authoritative parenting is it's often considered the perfect blend of authoritarian and permissive. Okay, because they set expectations but they're warm and nurturing. Supported. Right? And they're clear, we've heard this before, when we talk about boundaries, they're clear with their kids that there will be consequences for unacceptable behavior. Okay. Yeah. And then follow through. Right, so that authoritative parenting, how, you know, you're a believer in boundaries and consequences. But you know, there's a gray area too, you know, that kids will be kids, but you're also gonna, but they're

Guy: 13:35

accountable for their choices.

Jamie: 13:36

Absolutely.

Guy: 13:37

And kids will be kids, it doesn't doesn't allow bad behavior.

Jamie: 13:41

Right. And in this camp, the why behind something matters to you a lot. As a parent, okay. So that, you know, like, it's, there's an intention there. Yeah. When the why matters. So why?

Guy: 13:54

I like to Yeah, authoritarian, permissive, authoritative.

Jamie: 13:59

And then the fourth one. Hopefully, we're not in this camp very often is uninvolved parenting, where it's more neglectful parenting.

Guy: 14:09

Nope. All right.

Jamie: 14:10

So you rarely know where your kids are, who they're hanging out with.

Guy: 14:14

Is that really parenting? Yes. It's

Jamie: 14:17

fair to happen to having having worked in Child Protective Services. I have seen this.

Guy: 14:24

It's a pretty low standard. I mean, yes, no, yes.

Jamie: 14:27

In your opinion, no questions asked are the best questions asked that, that happens in this camp. And your belief is kids are completely capable of raising themselves. So, you know, we coined the term in the 80s of latchkey kids. Yeah. But that was when we just saw more dual income parents, right. That's not necessarily neglectful. Right? So I'm involved. Yeah. Well, I think not. But think about it. You know, then that child gets home and the mom cutting it like you need to call me as soon as you get home. I need to. That's not an uninvolved parent. So an uninvolved parent. Like I always think about the movie Matilda. Yeah. When he's like, how old are you supposed to be in school? He's like schools small watch TV. No, that's Matilda's parents were uninvolved. Okay,

Guy: 15:17

I think of like in the animal kingdom, right? There's a lot of young that just get kind of pushed out of the nest. Yeah, I have to figure it out.

Jamie: 15:25

Yeah. Well, and in all the other camps, you can find pros and cons. In this uninvolved parenting camp, there are no pros and cons. This is just not the best place to go. Okay. So

Guy: 15:38

with any listeners that are in that camp, apologies,

Jamie: 15:41

apologies, but maybe gets find some resources and help right to help you engage, because we all know that kids need that engagement. And sometimes you just don't know how, right. So if we have these kind of broad camps, you can probably identify where you want to be, you can probably identify where you are, yeah. And where you want to kind of bring those together.

Guy: 16:05

And there's a spectrum for these, right? Because you, you and your spouse, or partner may be in the same camp, right? And have still very different opinions on how to handle situations.

Jamie: 16:15

And you and your partner might be in different camps. I see this a lot in my office and authoritarian parent, married to a permissive parent. And that's a hard, that's a hard thing to do. And it can come because you come from different backgrounds, it can come because you're in different faiths, or one is very religious and one isn't. And different age groups. Yeah, or different generations, right. I mean, we see couples, sometimes where there's 15 or 20 years between the two. I mean, you're not even listening to the same music in the car, right? When you're when you have an age gap like that.

Guy: 16:50

And there's a history too, if you were raised in authoritarian, you may be very permissive. Yeah, no, absolutely. compensation for that. Yeah. And so family history draws a line through this whole thing, too. Yeah.

Jamie: 17:01

And so when you're coaching and people are in these different camps, or at least trying to find a place to come to a harmonious place, what kind of stuff do you lead? You know, what do you take them through any exercises, or I

Guy: 17:16

think the first place we always have to start it kind of have to do with definitions here is you have to disclose what camp you're in. There has to be this openness to talk about and to acknowledge the differences. Yeah. Because if we don't know what the differences are, it's really hard to talk about it. Yeah, hard to communicate.

Jamie: 17:35

Because when I have parents coming in wanting to, you know, get into a better headspace, parenting wise, that's the first place I always take them as understanding their style, right? You have to understand yourself, which goes back to being mindful, like what kind of parent are you there's the connection back to the other episode? Yeah. And what kind of parent am I? And and ultimately, if you and your parenting partner can talk about what's your end goal? So okay, we both agree, we want to hike to the end of this trail, right? And what does that look like what we want for our child? Well, I want a healthy, productive, contributing citizen.

Guy: 18:10

Right? Or I want them to survive until they're 18. And then right,

Jamie: 18:13

then you have to kind of find where your common ground is. Yeah. And that's, but you have to understand your style. So you

Guy: 18:20

have to understand yourself so that you can be an active participant in that conversation. Yeah. Otherwise, it's easy to defer to the other, or to secretly have like, a secret agenda. Yeah, that you're not going to disclose. And it's really hard to come to harmony. Yeah, it's a great word. If, if both sides aren't showing up with that intention,

Jamie: 18:41

and knowing where you fit, like, which camp you fit in, and which camp you're partners in, is going to help you have context. Yeah. Rather than just be like, what were you thinking, which those words have come out of my mouth? I'm not gonna lie. So there are times like raising a teenage daughter, my husband will say things once in a while, where I'm like, what? Like, you don't say that to a teenage girl? And he'll look at me like, I, I know, what did I say? And I'm thinking, well, he's never been a teenage girl. He's never raised a teenage girl. And so, you know, like, then I can give him that context of just like, Okay, we're doing this different. Like, he feels like he's being playful and fun, or funny. Yeah. Meanwhile, she's crying or whatever, you know. But I also know that we because we have the same end goal. He can go in and take ownership over that. And he gives her a hug. And he's like, Hey, I'm really sorry. I thought I was being funny or whatever.

Guy: 19:38

Right. Right. Well, and that's part of that acknowledgement to know yourself, and hopefully, there's extent of your partner that you know, then you're able to, like read the room.

Jamie: 19:48

Right? You're able to read the room. And that doesn't always happen with teenagers, but

Guy: 19:52

Right. I mean, just put with your partner. It's real obvious when I've overstepped something and Aaron has some input. Yeah, right. And I can I'm like, mid sentence to my child, I can look over me like, I need to, I'm doing go down the wrong road here. And so then your kids like, wait, what's going on dead short circuiting. The words aren't coming out right anymore not

Jamie: 20:15

finishing this lecture.

Guy: 20:18

You know, or other times when you do that, that glance and there's like nothing and you're like, Okay, I'm free to go all in. But I think it's it's acknowledging that yes, you both are bringing something to the table. Yeah. And so you have to know what that is.

Jamie: 20:31

Yeah. And I think too, it's interesting, because when you can acknowledge where you are, then you can start identifying what you brought from your childhood. Let's kind of absolutely what did I learn from my parents? And, and what am I wanting to recreate that my parents did? I had a great childhood and, and there was a lot of love and in our home, and, and I think okay, so how do I What did my parents do that made me feel really secure? Yes. And give me confidence. What was it that they did? You know, well, my dad was the dad watching Saturday Night Live with us. And I, it was not uncommon for me to go to bed and find a note from my mom. Like, there were times she would just leave me a little note, especially as a teenager, she would do that, because I think sometimes, I wasn't always like that, you know, as a teenager,

Guy: 21:21

she felt safer writing. Speaking,

Jamie: 21:24

she might leave little note on my pillow, like, hey, you know, what, I actually,

Guy: 21:28

you know, the conversation behind the scenes was, I can't talk to her, I'm just gonna put on a piece of paper.

Jamie: 21:37

Actually, I should try that. No, it was

Guy: 21:42

her workaround. And it worked.

Jamie: 21:43

It really worked. It made me feel loved and seen by mom, right? Especially when there are five kids. Yeah, so just having that little note meant a lot to me. So then once you understand your style, you have to talk about it with each other, and, and own it just and it's okay. Like if you're more permissive, or you're more authoritative, or you're more authoritarian, just just talk about like, this is where I'm coming from, you know,

Guy: 22:07

there's no the judgment. Hopefully, there's not judgment in this conversation, right? It is, you are you, I am me,

Jamie: 22:15

what are our goals? What are our goals? That's what we want to get to? What are our goals? How do we define successful parent? Right, like, have this conversation together? I mean, I maybe haven't used the word to my husband, how do you define being a successful parent? But I've asked him like, what kind of relationship do you want with her? When she's an adult? How do you want her to talk about you to her friends? How do you want her to feel about you as she's raising her kids? Like, I've asked those kinds of questions, right, like, what are we looking at long term? Because it's easy to appease a child right now. But how do you build something like I will move mountains to go visit my mom and dad, like, I I have so much love and respect for them? And there are things that I'm like, Oh, I wish that was different or had been different. But most things were great. And so I always think, oh, that's where you want to land? Where you're not like, oh, yeah, this is because none of us are going to do it perfectly. So I don't have that expectation of myself. That I mean, I say all the time to my daughter. I'm not doing this well.

Guy: 23:23

Well, and and it's, it's custom work. Yeah, right. We can follow a roadmap, but it's still us. So it's gonna be different than Yeah, if you copy exactly what your parents did, or whatever, your best friend, right? It's gonna be your version of it. Yeah. And that you have to have confidence in your abilities there.

Jamie: 23:39

Yeah. And these are your kids that you and your partner created. So you're, you know, there's,

Guy: 23:44

that's the biggest thing I think I run into problem is, I try to apply a pattern from my childhood. Yeah. To my children.

Jamie: 23:52

Yeah. And then I made you happy where you had fun. So then I get confused when it doesn't work. Like why are you having fun doing this?

Guy: 23:59

I think this is this was amazing, right?

Jamie: 24:01

Like when I go hiking, and Mackenzie thinks it's child abuse. She's like, I don't like this. And I'm like, why? I spent my whole teenage life and in my early adult life, just backpacking in different places, and she would rather pull her nails out.

Guy: 24:20

And that might be a place where you're like, hey, maybe we're not going to build a relationship, right? Yeah, we can do it occasionally. Yeah.

Jamie: 24:25

So dude, occasionally, and I'm like, Oh, well go get Slurpees. And we'll afterwards get out. And you can put your before hike inside to one time I took her on a hike. And I was like, you can wear your headphones the whole time. Just come with me. And she was like, Okay, fine. Yeah, you know, and she did, but she did it for me. And so yeah, you have to kind of adjust those expectations and define what successful parent means to you and have that conversation with your partner.

Guy: 24:51

Yeah, with the partner. And and I mean, with the child too, right. So this kind of bleeds into just relationships. Yeah.

Jamie: 24:58

And I think you also want to talk about What values do you want to instill in your child? And how you think you can help them grow up to be a successful adult?

Guy: 25:06

Yes. So if you're if you're open to that conversation, right, this builds on that, because now you've, you're trusting each other, you're vulnerable to each other. And you're open to collaboration. Yeah, that's a foundation for a lot of my coaching relationships, acknowledgement, trust, collaboration. Now, there's a trusted partner in the relationship that you can create with. Yeah, right. And that creation is what that parenting style, that combined parenting style that may include some authoritarian, some permissive, and some authoritative Yeah, you've created it. It's your custom version. And you guys are kind of on board.

Jamie: 25:43

Yeah. And I think when it's easy for us to know what our differences are. But I think by opening up the channel of communication, about what camps you're in, and what your goals are, and how you want to instill values in your kids, you also start to see the similarities. Yeah. Even though your styles are different. Yeah,

Guy: 26:01

I think good example with Aaron tonight is garage garage cleaning. Right? She comes from a camp of get it done. Get it done.

Jamie: 26:11

Before you go to bed,

Guy: 26:13

and, and I don't, I don't necessarily have to smile. I don't have to have fun. I don't have to enjoy this. We're getting it done. And I've said this before, I'm the one that's like, Okay, we got some music. We're getting down. What are we doing? Yeah, we start with donuts, where we're going for lunch, and we'll get most of it done. And, and so initially, my style was really irritating to her. Because I looked like I was procrastinating or wasting time or laughing often goofing around. And her style to me was like, this is awful. I'm being punished, like, Am I in trouble for cleaning the garage? And so we had had a lot of conversation, we still do. Yeah. And and we came to a compromise to say, okay, it doesn't have to be all fun and games, and it doesn't have to be all drudgery. Yeah, there's somewhere in between.

Jamie: 27:02

And it's okay to kind of find places where you have to do it

Guy: 27:06

separately, right, or I'll do the garage my way, and you go to the kitchen, that's okay

Jamie: 27:11

with kids to like, I have certain areas where we've just talked like, this is easier for me to take care of. Like, it's easier for me to have the maturation talk, it's easier for me to have all these kinds of conversations. But But I knew when I became a mother, I'm like, okay, I can take all that on, you're gonna probably have to teach her how to drive. I just don't have that kind of patience. And I would be nervous. I would be nervous. And Dave's like, no problem, right. And we're getting close to that stage. And I will do fine, like, but I think for that initial drive, it's gonna have to be him. Because I don't know how I'll manage my anxiety. And so I just want, but he's so patient and mellow, and just chill that he'll do a much better job of that first experience. And so we just have those, it's knowing, like, I know what my weaknesses are. And so and I want MacKenzie to have a good experience. And you know, and so he'll be able to give that to her more than I would, right. So when you can acknowledge that I think there's power and just saying, I know what I'm good at. And I know what I'm not going

Guy: 28:16

to disclosure. Yeah. Right. Because if you chose not to disclose that, or you didn't feel safe sharing that, that you have anxiety about this, you may just say she can't drive, right. And then that's a very different conversation, and it causes a lot of follow on confusion, right? versus just being upfront that I'm anxious about this. Can you take this? And we're a team here? Yeah. And no problem. Right? I feel the same way. If you're gonna kind of be I don't want to do that. Oh, no problem. I'll do that. Yeah, yeah. It's just there's different things. And then and then there's probably some things that both

Jamie: 28:47

right and so then you kind of been Dave and I are solution when we both don't want to do something. We wrote down everything. So as clinical Yes. So we're always like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do it either. All right. And then we just fixed it up. And we're like, okay, rock, paper, scissors. And we've made some decisions over Rock Paper Scissors not to disclose less than clinical strategies. There you go.

Guy: 29:14

It works secret behind the scenes, therapy strategies,

Jamie: 29:18

if all else fails brochure, anyway, but I think the next part then is creating a plan. Yes. So consider, like creating, I some people will actually do a family mission statement. But I think it's okay to do a parenting mission statement. If you feel like you guys really are in different camps, you're really coming from different strategies,

Guy: 29:41

right? If you if you find that you're on real opposite ends of the spectrum, and even compromise doesn't quite bring you together. Right? Yeah.

Jamie: 29:50

And all a mission statement allows you to do is outline the areas that are important to you, then then you're kind of just broadening Okay, Let's write down what this goal is, is. Yeah, right. And there's a broad definition what's important

Guy: 30:05

here? Yeah, but on paper. Yeah. And that also can illuminate what's not important.

Jamie: 30:10

Yeah. And what are the priorities you want to emphasize? Yeah.

Guy: 30:13

Because we it's really easy to get wrapped around the axle about non important stuff. Yeah, how many times Aaron and I have been escalating. And then one or both of us will realize why we've argued about this. Remember why this was even important? Take school,

Jamie: 30:28

for example. So if you have this template, and you're creating a plan, and you're talking through it as partners, like, Well, what do you expect from our kids in school? Well, I expect them to have straight A's like, it would be ridiculous for them not to have straight A's. Well, I actually think I just want them to have good grades, which means A's and B's, maybe they're going to get a C once in a while. But,

Guy: 30:50

but and then some of my say, I just want them to have a good social experience, right? Learn soft skills of how to interact with people how to follow instructions, right? How to be on time how to be response life

Jamie: 31:01

skills. So then by having that conversation, it allows you to kind of work together to say, okay, then where can we both land and be okay, as partners and feel supporting of each other? Yeah. So I think that's what's important about creating a plan.

Guy: 31:17

And is that a formal paper plan?

Jamie: 31:19

It can be just conversation, it can be you can write it down. You can I've seen families frame a family mission statement. Dave and I are not that formal. But Dave, and I have had the conversation. And

Guy: 31:30

Aaron and I are constantly updated to Yeah, like this was what we hoped for. And this is how it's going. What do we need to revise?

Jamie: 31:36

Yeah, yeah. What's that big tick tock right now? How it started, how it's going. Right? And so, and I always joke about, I mean, my brothers are gonna be mad, but I remember, my sister had one of the first kids, you know, fall in the family. Yeah. And he was pitching a fit where he was a baby, and, and my brother was like, Oh, my gosh, like, can you kind of get him to stop, throw that child? Sister? Like, you need to have a child, right? Like, you have no idea. And sure enough, he has three of his own who has pitched to their own fits, you know. And so I was laughing at like, sometimes we just don't have a context to why our kids are doing things, you know, until you're parenting them. And, and sometimes, parenting can push every button you didn't know you had. I mean, there are times when I'm like, What is triggering inside of me, I never felt this before. But yet, in the next moment, you you can be brought to tears, because you're so proud of this human being and the person they're becoming like, it's just this very big roller roller coaster. Yes. And parenting is not for the faint of heart. It's not an easy task. And so you have to be gentle with yourself, which means you've got to find a way to be gentle with your partner. Because otherwise, it's just gonna be a really hard ride.

Guy: 33:01

Yeah, yeah. Cuz it's, I mean, it's a job that you choose, and don't really come with a great instruction book. And you have to be dynamic enough to adapt to the child. Yeah. Yeah. So even what works on one shot doesn't work on the next child.

Jamie: 33:17

And as your kids get older, they're gonna tell you what's not working.

Guy: 33:21

What's not working for me? They give very direct feedback. Yes, they

Jamie: 33:24

do. And they're not afraid. And, and not always in a disrespectful way. But just saying, I mean, I, my, my daughter will say, like, You're not listening, or you're not, you're not helping me, or you're not, you know, whatever. And I'm like, You're right. Like, let me redirect myself. Yeah. Or get more intentional or whatever, and be mindful of the feet show up. Yeah. So it leads to the next one is, are you establishing a system that supports parenting in a harmonious way? Tell me more about that. What's that? So I agree on how you're gonna approach parenting, you know, for example, small issues can be handled in the moment, but maybe larger disciplinary problems will be handled when you both had a chance to talk about it. Okay, so that it's not like one person handles all the hard stuff all the time, but you're working together like hey, this happened. Like this will happen sometimes when a concern comes up for me with with parenting and I call my husband and like, this has happened this is on my mind, I'm not sure how to approach it. And he's like, okay, let's talk about when I get home, he'll come home we talk about it. And then we handle it. And it might be me handling it, but I feel totally supported and but

Guy: 34:33

this is more of the behind the scenes process. Yes. How do we come to resolutions or or interventions, whatever, but

Jamie: 34:40

had I just handled it? I might have been more reactive. Had I not gone through this supportive system and had Dave just handled it when it showed up? It just may not have gone as well as it did by us taking the time to say okay, we're not going to this is a bigger thing. So we need to address this after taking In a breath, what's our ultimate goal? Yeah. How do I want her to feel at the end of this conversation? It's respecting the relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Even though I know we would have handled it differently. Had we just handled it in separately?

Guy: 35:14

Yeah. And then the, the risk there is that the the other partner feels uninvolved, or uncared for, or their opinion doesn't matter. Yeah. And and so that's the fallout when you're doing it collectively. And you have a process in place to say, hey, this type of things. Let's talk together. Let's conference. Like you said, this. We'll talk about when I get home, and then we can address it. Yeah, it gives that weight to the relationship. Yeah. There's a reason we're together. Right. And we have a unified face. Yeah, that's a united front. That's what I wanted to say. Military.

Jamie: 35:53

Well, that is one style. Yeah. So uh, yeah, no, I think it's, it's true. Like, I just think that you have to be asking yourself, are we in a system that is supporting?

Guy: 36:04

Yeah, comparing what I like about that it brings consistency. Yeah. Because that's like the Achilles heel of parenting. Right? Yeah. inconsistency. Kids see, right through that? Yes. And they will point it out. Because if you didn't, if Jr, got away with this, but SR doesn't,

Jamie: 36:22

oh, and their memories work perfectly when it's like that, like my daughter can't remember to make her bed in the morning. But she remembers what I said to her six years ago on Thanksgiving when she didn't

Guy: 36:30

do what she did. When she was chastised about something.

Jamie: 36:34

I'm like, wait, but I asked you to make your bed. You said you forgot. Yeah.

Guy: 36:38

Remember that time? You said this to Jake and Kate, and I do this. But But what? I forgot what?

Jamie: 36:47

It's bad. So they remember. So yeah, you want it? And I find that when we're being supportive of teen parenting, that I'm more responsive than reactive? Oh, yeah. And so as my husband, so I just feel like by establishing a system of support, you're going to be more responsive to your kids than reactive to your kids. So I that's why I like that. And then the last one is, neither of you are perfect. I

Guy: 37:16

don't care what camp you're in. This is the generosity part of the podcast.

Jamie: 37:19

Yeah. You're not perfect. And you're both going to make mistakes no matter what camp you're in. And so blame and anger and conflict are not going to help you. And they're not going to help your partner. And so it's really,

Guy: 37:31

it's a hard one. It's hard. It's hard to remember that in the heat of the moment.

Jamie: 37:35

Yes. So you have to say to yourself, part of this coming together and parenting from different places, is I have to allow for mistakes. And we have to allow that for ourselves. I mean, there are times when I beat myself up like we went over Thanksgiving, we went to see the movie King Richard, about Venus and Serena Williams, okay. And I've always been like a closet tennis dreamer. Like I've always wished I was good at tennis. And I wish I mean, I've taken tennis classes, I took tennis in college. And I love tennis, but I'm not that great at it. And even on my list of things to learn this year was take another tennis class. It's December. I haven't taken a class this year. But I actually got into pickleball this year, which is like the old man version, geriatric. And so anyway, this movie, the dad, and mom had this vision for these girls. And they, you know, they're raised in Compton. And he did not want these girls in the streets. And he just knew he says all the time, these girls are going to change the world. And they're like, seven years old. Yeah. And those girls did. Yeah, they changed tennis. And it's interesting, because it shows and they have a lot of conflict. But I remember I walked out of the movie and my sister's like, what do you think? I'm a terrible mother. Cuz I'm like, Oh, you want to quit piano? Okay. But again, the girls, it was their dream to that's there was buy in there was it those girls wanted it. And they worked hard. And so it was but it was fascinating to watch the dynamics of parenting and, and they came from different backgrounds as well. But they had a shared goal and vision for their family. And so it was really just an interesting, I mean, it just came to my mind as we were talking, but you have to allow room for mistakes, you're gonna make mistakes. And you have to be okay with that.

Guy: 39:30

Yeah. And your spouse will make mistakes and you have to be forgiving of that.

Jamie: 39:33

And be generous. Like when I'm in that headspace. Like when I'm crying on the bed, and I'm like, I am screwing this up. Like I am not being the mom I want to be. He's not like I know. Oh my gosh, like you suck. He's just not doing that. He's just like, let's really look at this like what it's making inhale, exhale, talk to me. What's making you feel that way? Why are you feeling that? Like that's not how I see it like he'll give me a little talk through it, you know? And so I just what's true here? Yeah. So I think you have to be in that space of compassion and generosity for yourself and for your partner,

Guy: 40:11

I think to going back to our episode on timeouts, there's definitely that place. I need to tap out right now,

Jamie: 40:18

I did it more in parenting probably than in marriage. But

Guy: 40:21

yeah, that's I agree. There's, those triggers come up, and you're like, I'm gonna say some bad things. If I continue, I think I need to go to my room.

Jamie: 40:32

And as they get older, you have less actual physical time with them, because they're so busy. That I have to be really careful about how I want that time to feel to them. Like, if she's like, anything to not be at home, I don't that's not what my goal. Yeah. So that's a big thing for me.

Guy: 40:53

Yeah. I always appreciate in those moments when Aaron can put a hand on my shoulder and be like, yeah, go take a break. I think we got this. We were good. We got this. Yeah. It's never I never take it offensively. Yeah. I'm always like, Thank you for knowing me. So well. Yeah. But you know, I'm about to lose it.

Jamie: 41:09

It's permission giving. Yeah. Like, hey, you can go take a break, you can take

Guy: 41:14

action that takes us back to a story. My mom, I kind of want to share that I thought was a great parenting moment. And I've shared this there many times, like that permission given right by I was a worrisome kid. I worried a lot when I was a kid. I still do. Yeah. But I think there's something on our family. There's no worry, Gene. But I had done an assignment or something. I can't remember what the assignment was. But I was really stressed about it. And I couldn't get to sleep. And I remember my mom coming in. And we talked about what I was worried about. And she's like, well, I want to just worry for you. I'll take that worry about it for you. And in my child's mind. I pictured her taking my worry. And going to a room and staying up all night, worrying about it, worrying about it, like just sitting there be like oh, yeah, just like I was doing. Yeah. How's it going to do that? And I was like, I can just give this to you. Absolutely. Thank you. And I felt right to sleep. Oh, that's awesome. And and, you know, again, I, I It's comical that I picture my mom going and sitting somewhere worrying. Yeah, I'm sure she went right back to bed, fell asleep and got up in the morning. And I never forgot that. Yeah. So as, as a parent, that level of communication where you can acknowledge what you bring to the table, make a plan of your goals, and then be open to communication inputs and trying things allows for this dynamic relationship.

Jamie: 42:39

Well, and your kids know what your differences are as parents, because you know, when your kids are asking you instead of dad, or they're asking dad instead of you, because they've figured out which camp everyone's in do. Yeah. Yeah, your kids are real strategic. It's not manipulation. It's smart, they're intelligent, intelligent, always tell parents, kids aren't as manipulative as you want to think they're just smart. Yeah. And so they're like, I'm not a dummy. Like, if I want to go to the movies, I'm going to ask so and so I'm gonna ask my mom or my dad, you know. So that's, that's, I mean, again, there are whole podcasts just based on parenting and these issues. And we could do multiple episodes on on different aspects of parenting from different places, or backgrounds. But that's kind of a Little Reader's Digest version. So if you find yourself

Guy: 43:27

kind of at odds with your partner, your parenting style, get curious about your style, and their style, and talk about

Jamie: 43:36

it. And if you're at an impasse, go get some help get some coaching or some therapy to help you through it to kind of get over that impasse and figure out, you know, maybe you're not understanding each other's values and where you're wanting to land and you're just not able to communicate that in a way that's understood.

Guy: 43:50

Yeah. Yeah. Good topics. Hi. I always I get so much out of these myself, just when we go through the conversations. These are. I love fun. All the things we talk about.

Jamie: 44:01

Yeah, I always need the reminder. I'm sure my daughter's gonna listen to these in 20 years being like, she wasn't a master.

Guy: 44:09

Expo say,

Jamie: 44:12

the Davenport uncover uncovered.

Guy: 44:14

I have some thoughts.

Jamie: 44:16

Hey, I always own it. I have not mastered this. And I tell my clients I don't I have the only difference between the client and the therapist is I've read the book like 20 more times, I have to exercise these same principles in my marriage in my parenting skill every day. I have to be so intentional. And there are days when I'm not. And it's just the reality. Sometimes I'm hooking out and sometimes I'm checking out it just because we're human. But I think what happens is when we're aware and compassionate we can get back in

Guy: 44:48

Yes, flicker that mindfulness brings you back. Yeah, it does. listeners. Take that with you this week and your mindfulness and parenting. Yeah. And give us some feedback. How that Does that work for you and your relationship?

Jamie: 45:01

Yes. And enjoy this time of year.

Guy: 45:06

Very good. Thank you so much. All right,

Jamie: 45:07

we'll see you next week.

Guy: 45:12

Thanks so much for listening this week. Stay connected by following us on Instagram or Facebook at the Davenport podcast. For more information on coaching services with Guy, visit his website, the coach guy dotnet. For more information on coaching services with Guy, visit his website, TheCoachGuy.net. For additional information regarding counseling services, the Daring Way Curriculum, or relationship counseling, please go to JamiePyattLCSW.com. The Davenport Podcast is a production of the Davenport Education Group. Show hosts are Guy Balogh and Jamie Pyatt. Our producer and editor is Erin Balogh. Our outreach manager and production coordinator is Monica Strang. Thanks for listening.

Jamie: 45:54

The Davenport podcast is provided for informational and entertainment purposes only. Although Jamie is a licensed clinical social worker and guy as a professional life coach. The Information and opinions shared by the hosts and their guests are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. The information on this show does not create a client therapist or coaching relationship and should not be taken as professional advice or guidance. Please consult with your physician or qualified health care provider regarding any medical or mental health conditions.