The Davenport

Midlife Analysis: When You Realize Half-time Is Over and You're Starting to Play the Last Half, with guest Brent Peterson

November 23, 2021 With Jamie & Guy Season 1 Episode 60
The Davenport
Midlife Analysis: When You Realize Half-time Is Over and You're Starting to Play the Last Half, with guest Brent Peterson
Show Notes Transcript

On this week's episode, Jamie and Guy welcome back another one of their favorite guests (and fan favorite), friend and Game Chef founder, Brent Peterson. They discuss something they all are in the thick of: midlife. This discussion came up recently between Brent and Jamie after Brent attended his 30th high school reunion.  They discuss why midlife can cause you to get reflective and pensive about your life which can lead to feelings of restlessness, urgency, and uncertainty.  They discuss how to process all those feelings and where to go from here - because although life is moving along - it's far from over 💛  

We hope you enjoyed today's episode - if you did please take a minute to subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts:) Thanks so much!

To learn more about The Game Chef games, follow Brent on Facebook or IG:
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About  Jamie and Guy:
Jamie Pyatt LCSW  is a mom, avid beach lover, exercise enthusiast and a licensed clinical therapist with over 20 yrs of experience. She has worked in hospice care, child abuse intervention, and was an adoption facilitator for 13 years. Jamie loves working with individuals, couples, and teens as they embrace their personal stories and surf the daily waves of life. She makes friends wherever she goes and has a laugh that brightens any room. She believes each one of us deserves love, happiness, and connection ❤️Get to know Jamie better @therealjamiepyatt

Guy  Balogh is a father of three, car enthusiast, an entrepreneur and small business owner (shout out to @holsterbrands), and a professional business and life coach. Guy loves working with individuals to think bigger, take risks, and maximize opportunities. His quick wit and talent for storytelling pair well with his desire to find the positive in any situation. Get to know Guy better   @therealcoachguy



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Guy: *** Please Note:

This transcription was done through computer software, so there could be errors throughout the text. ***

Guy:

Welcome to the Davenport. Hi, Jamie, how you doing this week?

Jamie:

Hi, Guy. Good. How are you?

Guy:

I'm doing good. It's it's been a good week.

Jamie:

We're back in school.

Guy:

We are back in school.

Jamie:

We're adjusting to all the having a schedule. Yeah. Yeah, it's been then you realize oh, COVID got pretty dang comfy.

Guy:

Yeah, my wardrobe got pretty comfy. Yeah. And then you start putting clothes back on.

Jamie:

And you're like, Oh, these don't fit.

Guy:

Or this is constraining or there's belts. Soon as

Jamie:

I get home, I'm like stretch

Guy:

apparent. My shoes have laces. It's true. More and more often than not, when I'm in the warehouse, my neighbor kind of has that look of like, you're in flip flops. You should not be working out. pallet jack or, you know, that's probably true. OSHA safety. Anyway, yeah, it's been quite a week, we are kind of recovering. You think get the kids in school, and you'll be good. And then, like, You're doing all the school stuff now?

Jamie:

Yeah, it's it's a big, I mean, it's a big adjustment, right? Just the drop off in the pickup and like work and then

Guy:

the sport start up. Yeah, and the clubs and just keep adding stuff. I feel like every day, there's something new we're adding to the calendar.

Jamie:

I think what's been great, though, is with kind of going back to everything, we get to decide what we're putting back into our lives. And I think we're being a little more intentional, like, do we want to do that? Is that how we want to spend our time? Yes, because there's not much of it. And so I'd like that COVID has kind of shifted that for us. Like we don't have to have a badge of honor about how busy we are. It's like okay, what do we want to be doing with our time?

Guy:

Yeah, and and not everything is up and running again. Yeah. And so you do have that, like, I'm going to pick and choose? Yeah. So it is fun to sit down with, with our kids even like design, what their intentions are, what they want to do. Yeah. Well, very good. Well, before we get started, I want to give a special thanks out to all of our listeners. They're awesome.

Jamie:

They are in fact, I met one this Well, I had met her previously. We went to LA this weekend to stay with my good friend Sara, who we have to have on the show. Sometimes she's hilarious. She's a nurse for a plastic surgeon. So she's got some serious, serious stories. That sounds fun. Yeah, she's great. And anyway, she has this dear friend named I'm going to give a shout out to Sarah and Tiffany but we went to this Tiffany amazing donut place in Orange County on site called it's called like,

Guy:

Oh, come on. You can you can get that part for yes,

Jamie:

I'm getting it's what are those shirts you wear in the wintertime? Like a lumberjack shirt? A flannel sir. It's like Mr. flannels donuts or something like that. And it's the old guy in a flannel shirt. Anyway, they have like doughnuts like maple bacon, or lemon blueberry. Like they had these crazy flavors. One of them was like graham cracker, something. That's good. Yeah, they were pretty tasty. I'll say that Monica show notes. Want to add the Yes, added point little Orange County. And so when Tiffany got into the car, she was hilarious. And such a fun lady. And she was a listener. She was like, I love the Davenport and she handed me a book she's like, and I was like, Well, what's this for? And she said, Oh, you said you like memoirs. I was like, Oh, you are listening. Yeah. So anyway, she gave me a memoir to read and

Guy:

I'm just gonna throw that out there. I like donuts. So Tiffany, just a flannel. Come on. So anyway, we are open to show sponsorship if anyone Mr. Flannel has.

Jamie:

So it was fun. It was always fun to meet someone that you don't know listens. And they're just like, oh my gosh, I listened to every episode.

Guy:

Yeah, that's very cool. That's very cool. Well, we have a goal, as as we've talked about, to get our reviews higher, because that helps with the algorithms and helps people find us. So we set a new goal to get to 100 written reviews. I think we're in the 60s right now. Yeah. So if you haven't written a review, please go out there. Give us some stars and let us know what you think about the show. Now. Not only do you love the feedback, it helps us connect with our, our listeners, but it does help people find the show and gets our ratings up to get it out to more people. Yeah. So with that, should we start? Yeah. Okay. We have a guest here today.

Jamie:

We have a fan favorite guff. So it's funny when, by popular demand, yeah. When you talk to people, and they're like, I love I love the show. And I always ask them like, Oh, what have been some of your favorite episodes, and everyone always has a favorite episode with Brent Peterson.

Guy:

Welcome to the Devonport.

Brent:

It's good to be back again. Yeah. And again. And again. It's awesome.

Jamie:

And we've had other guests repeatedly. And we have some more slated to come back. And I think it's good because the listeners get to know their personality and a little bit of kind of how they approach life. And so with today's topic, Brent's, like the perfect guest to have.

Brent:

Yeah, the only thing I would add there is as I listened to the Devonport every time one drops, I always hear you guys say we have our favorite guy. And I'm like, wait, I wasn't on. Then the next week, we have our favorite, our favorite guest. And so everyone's clarify what you guys meant by that. That every one of the favorites.

Jamie:

We live we live intentionally in the present. So in this present moment, you're our favorite guest.

Brent:

Okay, I can I can live with that. Okay, I can live with that.

Guy:

Brent wants us to rank guests. We're not going to do all right.

Jamie:

Well, Brent and I like to get into some philosophical discussions for like 10 minutes at a time when we're chatting on the phone or something. And then we like her like, Okay, well have a great week. And we're talking about art centers. We're texting about him. And we're talking about speed philosophy. Yeah, it kind of is like that. And it's always, it never gets too heavy. But we don't just stay on the surface either. So it's good. And we're talking about just, you know, topics for the podcasts and things. And we were talking about how it would be kind of interesting to talk about what we're going to talk about today, which was it kind of morphed from expectations in life versus reality. And then midlife crisis. And you know, since the whole while our whole Davenport world knows I just turned 50. So I'm like in the thick of midlife. And so we're just talking about how that impacts you. And, and there's some pros and cons to that stage of life. Right. And so we thought it'd be an interesting discussion.

Brent:

Yeah, I, I had just finished my Well, I just attended the viewmont high school class in 1991 30 year reunion, 30 years. And that was an eye opener. It was great. It was super fun. Like, I love those people. We had such a great time. But then when you think 30 years, that is a long time.

Jamie:

Yeah. 30 years. I mean, think about your 30th birthday. Right?

Brent:

Yeah. So I mean, it was one of those things where I was like, 30 years, and we had a great time. It was fun catching up. Whenever anybody says, Well, I don't I don't need to go to my reunion, because I already see who I want to see on Facebook, whatever, like, but that's not true. There's a lot of people there that I'm interested in how they're doing. Yeah, I don't need to see them again for 10 more years. Yeah. But it was fun to catch. It's really fun to read. And it's an eye opener, like 30 years. I remember graduating from high school. And now 30 years later, reminiscing.

Jamie:

Are there people that you couldn't recognize there. They don't show

Brent:

up. Oh, no. There's a lot of yeah, that I mean, life. Life happens. Five years. I felt like it was still high school just five years later. Yeah. 10 year was kind of like people having kids. Yeah. 10 year was like, Look, I'm not rich yet, but I'm going to be Yeah. 10

Guy:

year was like, Yeah, your find out everybody's plans. Yeah, we've started some stuff. And now it's cool, right? So there's like the the big pops or like, oh, they landed back job, or they you know, they've had kids or they're these two got together and got married, whatever it is.

Brent:

Yeah. And then a 20 was like, you know, life has just happened. It is what it is. And 3030 It's like, Hey, I'm glad you're still kickin. It's good to see that you're still doing good, cuz it could have been worse. Right? So that's how I was super appreciate. I would encourage anybody to go I had a great time. I loved it. I loved High School. It was fantastic. But it does make you realize you start thinking, Well, that was a long time ago that way in the rearview mirror. So that's what Jamie and I were talking about. It's like Jim, it was awesome. But it also got me thinking,

Jamie:

right, and that's the whole definition of midlife crisis. Well, it's not even crisis. Let's just define midlife. Right, because just because you're in midlife, doesn't mean you'll necessarily have a crisis. But it is a time when you get reflective and pensive about your life.

Guy:

Right. I think like midlife crisis is one of those pop culture terms that I mean, it's in movies. It's just we all hear that and we all have different ideas what that means I think what we've done on the podcast with other turns like that is you kind of pick it apart. Right? Right. So

Jamie:

unpack it a little yet today. And so midlife is that central period of a person's life from about age 40 to 65. So, you know, I'm 50. And I always think about on the Today Show when they do this muckers birthday of the people who turn 100. And I'm like, Okay, so I'm halfway done. If I get to live to be 100,

Guy:

do they still do that? I don't know. I'm thinking myself. Yeah.

Jamie:

But now I you know, all my grandparents didn't make it to 100. So my chances of 100 are probably not super high. So then you think, Wow, I'm like, in the third quarter, right? Like, it's like, the Super Bowls nearing an end, right? So you kind of feel like, okay, what do I want to do in the time that's left? And how do I feel about the time I've spent? And I think that when you get into midlife, you do a little more thinking that way. Because in your 20s, you're like, I got so much time, and there's so much I want to do, and then you don't think a lot about how this is gonna feel when I'm 50. So and then when you hear people in their 20s. Now, they think 50 is ancient. And then when I say well, I'm 50. And they're like, Oh, I mean, I did I didn't I mean, not you but you know, like it's okay. It's It's ancient

Brent:

Jim, I had a I had a friend who had a 50th birthday party last summer, and she did an awesome job. And it was this big, amazing race around town. It was fun. Anyway, I had friends, I would say you have a friend who's 50. I'm like, Yeah, we're 48. Like, yes, we have 50 year old friends. Right? And you don't really realize it. And I mean, you always joke about that. You know, we're in the third quarter. I always joke that I'm in the third quarter. Halftime was underwhelming, and the halftime show was horrible. Quarter, and we really need to pick it up for the second half. Right? So that's always good. How we joke about that? Yeah,

Jamie:

yeah, well, and I, but I think to even the the bad plays, so to speak, or an underwhelming halftime show. I think the older you get, I think you kind of start to pick it apart. And you can choose how to look at it, and how to feel about it. And I see it, I guess in therapy, a lot of people will have a preconceived notion about the term midlife crisis, right? That means maybe your husband bought a red sports car on a credit card.

Guy:

Highly self diagnosed, right? Or I'm having a

Jamie:

or you'll see betrayal, right, you'll see marital affairs with someone much younger than them or maybe, like quitting your job and moving to Europe or doing something kind of extreme, right, and just saying I need to, I need to do something that feels exciting or new. And so we can kind of that's kind of a stereotype of it, but really that midlife and not just crisis, but midlife it has that nagging or it's kind of thinking through doubts. And, you know, did I make the right turn here? Or was that the right play call, so to speak, in, in at that stage in my life, and it's an easy time to kind of guess the choices we've made and where we're headed.

Guy:

Right, right. I think I think it's triggered to by there's there's a natural, I think just point in life when you realize this isn't going to last forever. Yeah, right. Your mortality shows up, your mortality shows up. And and so that can be triggered by someone passing that can be triggered by seeing your parents are old, right? You know, and you say, Oh, hey, this, I was I didn't think kind of beyond where I'm at. Yeah. And then that becomes a little more focused for you. Right? And that's definitely the time when you lean back into what, what was the plan here? What was I intended to do?

Jamie:

Well, people are wondering about meaning, right, meaning and purpose. And sometimes they feel disappointed in where their life has landed. And I don't know that that's always warranted. So sometimes when people come in, we'll start to unpack that, right. One of the things Brent and I were talking about on the phone one time was expectations and reality.

Brent:

Yeah. And where does that cross? Yeah. Right, because everyone has an expectation of where they think life is going to be. But at some point, you cross it an access different than you think. Yeah, and it's not good or bad. It's just different. And you have to look at it that way. Right?

Guy:

Yeah. Yeah. The feelings. It's not a Oh, if you're feeling this, that's, that's negative. It's just you're feeling that. Yeah. And and so if there is a access, it's not in your trajectory, or you didn't expect, right, it's more of a time to take inventory, and then decide where you want to go next. Well,

Jamie:

and it was interesting, even this last week, I was I was at the loft, which is where probably middle aged women shop for their clothes. And I liked that store. And you know, everywhere in

Guy:

when Aaron and I were first dating, when you weren't mentally like this, because we would go to Nora trims and she'd like Taylor

Jamie:

Taylor, I feel like this pre middle age and the loft. I feel like it's more middle.

Guy:

Right? So when we would go shopping, she would end up in these departments and I would stand there and be like, these look like newscaster clothes. Yeah. And what are you talking about? This is like age appropriate. I'm like, for like a newscaster. I don't know why. And I'd be looking over a what's it called? Like brass plumb or something? Or like, like, what about the stuff over there? Right, the cut off shorts and the

Jamie:

even a junior section. That's a

Guy:

cheap CB like, like, who would you do? How old do you think I am like that for high school? Your profession on there. Right? And that's like, there's a gap there. That's like, yeah, it's either a high school attire or newscaster? Right. And that's when she found the law.

Jamie:

Yeah, I mean, it was a nice professional, comfortable clothing, right? So I'm in there, and there's help one at a time. And I'm standing there and the lady is like, and I said, Gosh, I see these signs everywhere in the form shops. And she's like, Yeah, you want a job and like, oh, I should work here for the discount because I'm in here enough. And she was laughing she's like, that's how I get everyone there. All these ladies that need the discount, you know, and they'll work in here. And then I went home. And I was joking with my husband and like, I'm seriously considering it. Like, maybe I should quit my job as a therapist. And I want to work at the loft because sometimes I started having this feeling like maybe I'm not having as much fun as I want to have or I'm not doing you know, and in my gonna be a therapist until I'm 65 Or until I'm so you know, I started having these thoughts and maybe because I've been reading about midlife and and thinking through this, and then I was like there's nothing wrong with working on the loft. There's nothing wrong with being a therapist, but I just didn't, I wasn't sure where I wanted to land. And in that moment, I was like, I think I want to work at the loft and quit being a therapist and my husband's like, let's sleep on it. Good sleep.

Brent:

The best thing that came out of that little segment right there is guys knowledge of women's clothing stores. It's impressive. That's impressive.

Jamie:

Yeah, it is it is. So anyway, I think it'd be helpful to talk about just some of the things that happen, you know, that you that might feel alarming and midlife but that are kind of normal.

Brent:

Well, and and, you know, last time I was on here, I talked about the Wieber TrackSTar. Yeah, the funny thing is one of my nephew started to dig into that a little bit. And he's come to the conclusion that it's not true, that he's like uncle Brian, have you ever won anything? And I would say, well, sometimes doing your best is winning. He's like, That's what the losers say. And he's really competitive. And he's awesome little kid, right? So anyway, it's a joke. But I do joke about that all the time. Because, you know, as you get older, your body just doesn't do what it used to do. I mean, I was watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. And they're carrying that torch around the stadium. And I didn't think oh, what a great moment. I thought to myself, I can't remember the last time I jogged. Literally jog. Now I've been going to

Guy:

look at all those stairs that got to go up to the flames if they drop

Brent:

it, what if they drop it? Right? You know, so I've been going to f 45 I've tried all of them. And this one seems to work for me. But you know, I was there doing these little thruster squat things and the trainer's like, Let's go Brent, you've got this. And I was like, honestly, I'm just happy to be moving. Yeah. And she says, well, well, you're not that old. I'm like, well go ahead and guess I'm not gonna be offended. She's like, 33 Nailed it. Nailed it. You know, but but the point is, is you do get older,

Jamie:

if y is not 33. I'm not 30.

Brent:

But I appreciate the fact that a 21 year old trainer thought that I was but but it's one of the things is you have to start accepting the fact that it is different. You can't dunk a basketball at this stage or there's things you can't do that one point you could do.

Guy:

Yeah, yeah, I tried to. I blew out the dust out of the warehouse yesterday, without safety glasses and got a splinter in my I've been dealing with that for like three days.

Brent:

It's gonna be a couple months before we recover. Right, right.

Guy:

Like, that's where they have safety glasses. Yeah, yeah. And it would never it's felt really wise. Instead of being like, I'm fine. I'm just turning the blower on. Why do I need this?

Jamie:

Well, my daughter, she has a gym membership where she can always take two people with her. And so Monday night she's like, why don't you come with me and we'll go to a Zumba class. And I was like, oh, that sounds fun. We'll do this in the class together. And I love like any Latin music and dancing and stuff like that. So we walk in the teacher immediately knows we're new. She's like, Hi, are you guys new and so we introduce ourselves and I go to the back and I put my water bottle my keys down and my daughter's come in the back. I'm ready to Zumba but then all these serious people come in right like there's like special Zumba shoes. I didn't know you have Zumba shoes. I mean, I just had like my ASICs on my running shoes. And and so then and then the music starts and the teachers darling this darling little tiny thing. Like she looks like a cake. And I was like okay, we're gonna start this class and then we start my I'm using air quotes dancing, right? Well, I brand can attest like i i was i would go dancing every weekend when we were in college and Grant was the one that was like, Please, can we leave now? Is this not true? I don't think it's fair. It's you know, it's like one more song. The songs.

Guy:

So the bottom line Brent didn't close the place down, right?

Jamie:

Well, he did. Because cuz I left because we were in the same carpet. So we had to close. But he did meet one time, I may have found him asleep on a table in Mexico.

Brent:

I went to a wedding last week, and we were dancing. None of the 90s dance moves are cool anymore. I busted out a few and I got some odd looks right back to the table.

Jamie:

Well, that's what my point is in Zumba. Like, there were some things that she was doing that I actually I couldn't do them. And I couldn't do some of them fast enough. And I was like, Oh, wow. Like, I mean, in my 20s, this would have been no problem. And now I was like, kind of struggling. I'm like, Oh, my might have hurt my knee. Like, you know, like, it caught my knee a little bit in a funny way. Or I just was like, wow, mortality will show up when you least expect it. And it was in Zumba. I was just like, Okay, I'm not the dancer that my 20 year old self was. So I just think we have to look at some of those things that are normal. And so some of the symptoms that you see in a midlife crisis can be severe, and some of them are really mild. But one of them it's funny because I I subscribed to Psychology Today and they have an article about midlife crisis and and they said, exhaustion, and I was laughing. I'm like, I think everyone over 40 has experienced

Guy:

exhaustion. Yeah, I was at the dentist yesterday. And I didn't expect the question, but she's like, do you feel tired? And I felt like I was in therapy. You know, you're in that chair. You're relaxed. I was like, yes. Thanks for noticing. She's like, No, I mean, like, do you feel like anything that you know, with your oral health has caused me to be tired? And I was like, No, not my or just life.

Jamie:

Like I can't raise my tire. If I was like,

Guy:

wait, I'm am I missing the question here? What Why are we? Yeah, but you

Jamie:

know that exhaustion. They talk about boredom being and discontentment being a symptom of that, you know, with your lifestyle, and you do see a lot of things. People make changes. Even I was like pursuing like, should I get my doctorate? I feel this sense of like urgency right now in my life. Like, if there's things that I want to do that I haven't done, I got to get them done. Because I don't know that I want to go get my DSW when I'm 75. But when I'm 50 it still feels like okay, yeah, it's something I want to do. And yet you could I could, and there's people who do, right, which I think is great. Um, my grandma got her high school diploma, and she's in her 70s. And I thought that was amazing that she went back to school to do that, you know, but then there's that feeling of restlessness. And I mean, like, maybe I just want to do something different. I mean, maybe a little bit buying a house?

Brent:

Well, it's, it's one of those things where, you know, you just start thinking, I need to do something, you know, and, and I was joking with you earlier, my brother said, Hi, YOLO. Brent, you only live once. And so I've started to take that mentality, for everything for everything. But he actually called me and said, Hey, I just want you to know that yield was not a good financial strategy. You know that, right? I'm like, Yeah, I'm fine.

Guy:

But you're really fun to hang out with.

Brent:

Yeah, you know, like, I want the nice TV, you know, so I buy the nice TV. It's not, I'm not doing anything crazy. But I've worked hard to get to this stage of life. Yeah, I can have a nice TV. I don't think that's an extravagant request. Right. Right. So is that Yo, look, I mean, look, I don't know the differences between the OLED blacks and the non OLED blacks, but the guy at the store had sold me for buying the expensive television because of that. Yeah. So I think that's okay, though.

Jamie:

Yeah. Well, and I think even when we tease you about the house, you're building in, in southern Utah, which is going to be amazing. What I like about it is when you when it was happening, you're like, oh, is this what I should do? You know, you go back and forth with your choice. But at the end of the day, it was really what excited you the most was, this is a place where all my nephews and nieces can come and make these really fun memories, and you'll be a part of it. And how when Dave and I were like, oh, we'll be there and you will to like it's about it's about a place to create these memories that you get to take with you. And so I think there's a lot of good things that can come out of this stage in our lives. Because we're in a place where maybe we're not being so rigid in how we think things should go. But we're more like I don't really care what people think about this choice. Like this is what's best for me.

Guy:

Yeah, I think that's the kind of the coming out of the crisis, right? If you're going into midlife crisis, you're like, I don't know, I'm acting like this. I'm irrational. I have regrets I'm frustrated or whatever. If you can work through that either through professional or you know, your own thoughts and intentions. When you do come to the other side, you're released from those expectations that maybe didn't fit. Yeah. And and, you know, a healthy mindset is to say Well, I'm going to make decisions for now. Right? So if I want a house, and I want to plan for having people come visit, and then move forward intentionally, right with that goal, and then later if you don't want that house, or you don't want that fancy sports car, or you don't want that doctorate, you can stop. Yeah, you can shift gears, you can make a different choice. And I think that's where we get so stuck in the rigidity of life, right? I've decided that I'm going to do this career. I have these people around me buy these things. And that's it now, right. And now I have to just maintain that. And the truth is, you don't? It's really hard to sometimes hear that through all the noise in our lives. Yeah.

Jamie:

Right. Well, it's, you know, it's interesting. I've always admired hearing Monica, tell the story about her mom going back to medical school. She wasn't 21 Yeah, you know, like, she had kids. And she decided this is best for my future. So then she goes to medical school, and I think about my dad, when my dad went back to law school, he was 40. And he had five kids. And we have, we thought it was crazy. But now that I'm 50, and I think about my dad going back to law school, when he was 40. With five kids, I'm like, that's the most courageous thing. You know, like, how awesome is that? That he just did it? And made it happen and so that you don't live with those regrets? Because he could have been like, well, what would have happened? Had I just gone to law school? Or if I, you know, I would have had more financial stability or whatever that is. And so instead of asking that question, he just was like, Okay, I'm gonna go for it. Do it. Yeah. So I admire that

Guy:

for our listeners, just for fun. Let's go around here. What's What's your a symptom or something that made you feel like oh, is this my midlife crisis? Is this is this it? Is this. You know, Brent, what, what? What's a trigger for you that said, Oh, am I?

Brent:

Well, I think for me, it's all the self diagnosed ailments that I have. I think I have a rotator cuff injury, I cut my finger opening salad bag,

Guy:

just a little thing. I was wondering about that, what what high adventure was happening,

Brent:

originally, and it's the middle finger, it's a band aid. So I think for me, it's just that I remember a few years ago playing volleyball and like I dislocated my pinky, and I always dreaded that moment think that I would scream like a schoolgirl and call 911. But I just popped it back into place and kept playing. And I thought I'm tough. For six months, that thing hurt. And even today, if I bump it, it still hurts. And that's when you realize it doesn't heal. So for me that was that was the Oh, wow. It's not like it used to be Yeah,

Guy:

yeah, something's changed. Things changed. Yeah. I have a funny story. Aaron's looking at me cuz she knows the story. So I got a mosquito bite, which should not be a big deal. Yeah. And I swell up and I get blisters. And then I had to drive back from Salt Lake City to San Diego. And for some reason, I thought it was a good idea. You see people on the freeway, and they got their foot up on the dash hanging out the window. So I I'm surprised I was flexible enough. But I got my foot up, never driving. I was driving. And I had my foot up on the window, like by the mirror, and I drove back from San Diego that way, like, Well, I gotta elevate my foot. Yeah. And and yeah, the bite was it was a mosquito bite was on my ankle. And I wanted, it felt like it was throbbing. So I wanted to keep it up. I thought that would help the mosquito bite. Two days later, after I'm in San Diego. I couldn't walk. Like it had locked up my hip because I've been sitting so long in that funny position. And that's nice. Like, how, what is going on? Like, I thought something else had happened, right? This mosquito bite, it turned into some kind of, you know, worst disease and I was gonna be paralyzed. And Aaron's, like, you can't sit like that for eight hours and expect nothing to happen. And yeah, I was literally like, I had a kind of a crutch. And that went on for a week.

Jamie:

They're like, what happened? You're like, mosquito? Yeah.

Guy:

The first embarrassed Oh, and then like, know what really happened? I sat kind of funny. Yeah, you're old. And now I'm limping. And I can barely like move around. And that's when I realized like, Yeah, this is this is a little bit of a downward slope. I'm, I've I've crested and now. Movement is going to become an issue, I guess. Yeah.

Jamie:

Well, I think it's a reality. For me. I think my biggest symptom is probably restlessness. Like I sometimes I'm like, Should we be moving? Should I be changing jobs? Should my husband be changing jobs? Like, should we buy a different house we just leave the state like, I get into this frantic thinking sometimes, of like, we got to change it up, like, like, the snowglobe is nice and settled. And sometimes I'll be like, Shay, think we need to shake it. Like I need that feeling of change sometimes. And then it subsides because my husband will be like, well, the snow globe looks pretty good. And I'll be like, okay, and then I sit at Tower 20 I'm like, Oh, yeah. The snow globes fine. But sometimes I want to shake it up and like I feel this desire for change. And I have to kind of is that because of routine? I think so I'd have a routine. You know, my husband, I got married a little bit later. And so when I was single, I moved like every year or two. And I changed jobs every couple of years. And I, I just kind of always kept doing something different pursuing different things. And so being married, like we've been married 17 years now, in our first house, we were in for five years. And we've been in this house for 13 years, just about. So sometimes I like there's a ticking clock or I'm always like, no amount of pain is actually making this interesting. So I just was like, Oh, I could be I could change that up. I'm not my relationships or anything like that. Just sometimes I just think, Oh, should we be making some major change? Right now? I

Guy:

like the words you use. It wasn't satisfying. It was interesting. Yeah. Right. It houses serving your needs totally. But it becomes disinterested.

Brent:

Yeah. Well, and Jamie, we talked when I was on here last time about before COVID. Right, and how that custom anxiety for me, because my snowglobe was going and as the snowglobe started to settle with everything being canceled, that caused some anxiety and some angst of like, oh my gosh, like, so. You're you liked it settled? I liked it shook it up. Yeah. And it's one of those things where it does lead to some anxiety and some mental health, like you and I talked about? Yeah. You know, and dealing with that. You know, what triggered that, as you talked about on a recent podcast, right?

Jamie:

Well, I think part of it is, we're gonna get these feelings. And I think you should have those feelings as you get to the middle part of your life. Like how what, like, I love the thing from last time you're here, like, what choices have I made in my life that have led me to this moment? And you were saying it and just kind of this funny experience you had with your mom, but but I think in reality, that's a great question to ask ourselves, you know, what choices have I made? And I think that's part of what can happen in midlife is we might look back and you know, all hear of clients be like, Well, I don't, I don't know, did I marry the right person? Did I take the right job? And you start to kind of second guess yourself rather than like, listen, for 20 years, you've been working at this? Yeah. And this is an investment. We don't just like, go to T Rowe Price and be like, Well, I'm 50. Let's move it around. Like I mean, you when something's working for you, and your investment funds or whatever, we stay the course. And sometimes in life, we will make kind of a frantic decision. Because of those feelings of doubt, or nag Enos at you know, like, maybe I need to be doing something more or bigger or, you know, whatever that that might be,

Brent:

I saw a thing on online somewhere that I thought was really good just to go along with this. And it was like it said, basically, although no one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start now and make a brand new ending. So you can't dwell on the past. Right, right. I know you like to do movie references. But I feel like as I was thinking about life, it's like Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Right? So like, when you're young, you're Ferris Bueller. And then you get a little bit older and you start becoming like Cameron. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be that. And then when you get old, you're just like playing for brony. Right? Like, kids shouldn't be doing that. Right? And, and I feel like I'm in the Cameron stage where I'm very cautious. You know how Ferris wanted to take his dad's car. Yeah. And cameras like, oh, we shouldn't be doing this. I'm I'm uh, we shouldn't be doing this guy. Yeah, like, there. You might do it anyway. No, I'm pretty cautious. Right? But I do think that's gonna life is I don't want to become Mr. Rooney, where everything is negative and life's little. Like I we still have so much life to live. Yeah. And that's, that's where I've had to kind of change my mindset of you can't change the past, it is what it is. But moving forward, there's so much opportunity, and how do I grasp on that? And that's what I always call and talk to you. And, you know, from a life coaching standpoint, how do you encourage people to look forward? All the great things ahead instead of dwelling on the past? And what was?

Jamie:

Well, and I always think, when even when Dave and I got married, we talked about like, I just didn't want to do things super traditionally all the time. And we lived in a neighborhood with a lot of older people. And we were like the young couple on the block. And we were like 30, mid 30s. And so I had come from that single world of like, every weekend, like what are we doing and, and we're going dancing, or we're going out to eat at 10 o'clock at night and, and my husband was like, oh, yeah, like I don't do that, you know. And so I remember we were like trying to find a couple to go out with. It wasn't easy, you know, because we weren't it was hard to meet people. But we knew this couple and they were like in their mid 70s. And we were and we expect that number. They're like in their mid 70s. And but we had gotten to know them and they were just a lovely couple. And so we called them up when they're like hey, we're gonna go bowling. Would you guys like to go? And they're like, yes. And so we went bowling and to dinner with this couple and they were saying So fun. I mean, they beat us like, they were like good at bowling and we're not. And we had such a fun time. And so after that my husband were like, You know what? It's like, be no respecter of persons, right? Like just just be friends with everyone. And, and even now, sometimes I'll think I'm younger than I am, because we're hanging out with some young couple, or sometimes we're hanging out with an older couple. And I feel like there's so much to learn from each other. And I think if we don't put ourselves in these boxes, right, well, I'm 50. So now I'm Mr. Rooney, you know, and although there's some advantages to mid life, so talking movie references, I keep thinking of fried green tomatoes. You know, again, we're we did ourselves with these movie references, but if you haven't seen this movie, it's amazing. Guy. I know you haven't seen it. But you're pricing the scene because it's really funny. I know this scene. Yeah. Because the scene is and try to remember the name of the actress. That's so funny. And she was like in misery and Kathy Kathy Bates. Yeah, she's awesome. And she is the main lady and these young little 20 Something blonde girls like come in and they can cover in a Volkswagen convertible. Yes. And they clip her car, I

Guy:

think, no, they steal her parking spot. Oh, that's right. They still her party's waiting for someone to pull out and then they come down. And I

Jamie:

think she's like waiting and she her blinkers on and these girls just like zip in, and then they get out in their little shorts. And she's just

Guy:

like, and I think they even say something like to you know, sneezy loser. Yeah.

Jamie:

And she, you can just see all the middle aged carelessness in her say, You know what? I'm not gonna take it. I'm not gonna take it. Yeah. It's like the, that song from the 80s. They're not going to take and she just takes her car and plows into their car, pushes it out of the parking and parks there. Yeah. And then the girls are just standing there incredulous. And she rolls down her window, I believe. And she's like, you might be young, but I've got more insurance than Yeah. And then she just takes the parking spot. And then the season's over, right? But that scene is just this unleashing of like, No, I'm not boxed in by, by your age, or mine, you know, and just this freedom. And I think I'm not bashing in cars saying I've got more insurance than you. But I certainly have let go of what people think more than in my 20s. In my 20s I was concerned about making sure people liked me and, and being getting that approval and acceptance. And now I'm like, You like me? You might not like me. But that's not a game changer in how I live my life.

Guy:

Right? Yeah, you're aware? It doesn't mean the awareness of it goes away. Right? You want to be that awareness changes? Yeah. Yeah. I think to back to the question, Brent, the I think it kind of when you were talking about the franticness. Jamie, about you getting this kind of frenzy of what am I gonna do when I think the starting places you have to kind of pause and recognize what you're feeling? Am I feeling discontent? Am I feeling anxious? Am I feeling sad? And identify what that feeling is? And start circling around that to say, what that what does that draw me to? Yeah, and then what intentions and what values connect to that. So if it's sadness over a loss, or a missed opportunity, what value is being stepped on? Right, and we've talked about values, we have a values episode, if you haven't heard it, you can go back and see one of our earlier episodes, in the podcast, I really do those value exercise, and the values exercises on our Patreon page, to find out, you know, what it is that kind of mortally wounds you about that experience. And then you can make some intentional choices to support that value,

Jamie:

when I think that that becomes really important work to do at this stage in your life. Because the next quarter, right, like, I mean, even my dad, watching, my parents have just recently moved and talking with my dad, like kills, he uses words like I feel useless. And I'm like, Dad, you know, like, it's tough to hear. Yeah, because he had such a full career and fight raising five kids. I mean, he's got like, 17 grandkids, and so he's got all this stuff going on in his life. But I think sometimes he feels a little put out to pasture, you know, and I'm like, well, you're still on speed dial for me, like, every time I have a question like that, you know, like, I feel like he's gonna have to answer. And so it's interesting because I think we have to do some of that work in our mid life. So that when we get to that part of our life, it feels you feel happy with the purpose is you fulfilled, and I like that quote, you shared brand because that's really what it's saying. And ultimately, I mean, that's not my dad's that's not where he camps out, but those feelings have come before in his life and and I can see why that happens as you age, because now you're not working. And maybe the church you attend doesn't use you like they used to or, you know, the groups or clubs you belong to just don't have a place for someone who's 70 Five.

Brent:

And I think that's what we need to do better as a culture, like the fact that you invited that couple to go bowling. Of course they wanted to go. I remember being in Spain a couple years ago, and I was watching a game show. And there were two older folks as contestants. You rarely see that here in the States. And, and we do kind of just say, well, they've moved on in life. But the reality is, they are still living. Yeah, they're writing down and yeah, yeah. You know, I joked with my mom the other day, I said, Mom, look, at this point, just land the plane, like, you've taken off. You've worked really hard. You've served us all drinks. Now we're getting ready to land just buckle in and enjoy the ride. Yeah. And she didn't like that. She's like, well, I don't want to just sit and enjoy the ride to the plane lands. Yeah, she's like, I still want to, like, be involved. And it's hard to make her feel she wants to feel useful and helpful and still be her.

Jamie:

Yeah, no. And I think that's a tricky transition, right? And I think what's important for people to understand who they are, what their purpose is, what do you value? Because those values

Guy:

and those values, and those values may have changed or morphed or evolved over time? Right? So you have to be we say, don't get curious about what do you like, you know, what do you want and and accept that. It may not be what you wanted when you were 30.

Jamie:

And your values may not have changed, but what it means to you. So I think I've always valued connection. But how I manifested that in my 20s looks different in my 50s. And probably an I don't have grandkids right now, I don't have I mean, so maybe when I'm in my 70s, how I look at connection isn't going to be about friends and things like that it will be more about just the smaller circle of my little family. Or maybe it will still be lots of I don't know. But I think that we can more of our values to the stage of life we're into.

Brent:

And I've started, you know, I talk to people and I try to implement this myself. But, you know, sometimes you just have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be yes. And you got to learn and like what you currently have in the store you're currently living. I mean,

Jamie:

that's an Amen, because, cuz that's what it

Brent:

comes down to, is we have to figure out what we thought isn't always what it is. And that's okay. And it's harder that it's easier said than done. Yeah, like, it's really hard. I know a lot of people, including myself, who look back and say, I wish I would have done this, or maybe I should have gone to law school or those type of things. But that's not the story I'm currently living. And people are happier. I find if they're accepting and living the story that they're living right

Jamie:

in the present. Yeah. And if you're not happy with it, then doing something about it, rather than just living in regret.

Brent:

And so you're saying I can buy a red sports car? That's what if I can afford it?

Jamie:

If you can afford it? All right,

Brent:

I would look ridiculous.

Guy:

Why the qualifiers were

Jamie:

thought of yourself, Mr. Bernie yet, just Cameron right. Yeah,

Brent:

I would look ridiculous driving a convertible red sports car look awesome. Come on, you look awesome. The hair doesn't flow. Like there's no tan, it would not be good. And I'd be listening to like a Sobeys. Like, it's not cool.

Jamie:

Well, I think it's there. They're good things to think about. Because

Guy:

what's our what's our takeaway for the listeners? You know, on this topic, we, we kind of sum it up for them.

Jamie:

I think that quote, you just read.

Brent:

I mean, I had, you know, I read it, what do you what do i Maybe I just,

Jamie:

it's, it's the memories, because

Brent:

I have my phone I'm looking at yeah, sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you're living.

Jamie:

And I'm a big believer in that, you know, all through my probably from 1718 on when people would say things like, Oh, what do you want to do in 10 years, I'd be like, be a mom of a basketball team. I was always like, I want five and one on the bench, right? Like I want six one rotates in, and I'm in my life doesn't look like that. And, and, and that's okay. But it took adapting and creating new dreams, getting curious about what else I could do, when things don't work out the way you think they're going to. And when you can do that. I think you'll find joy in that journey, even though it isn't what you planned. Right? Plans can change. And really, most things don't go according to plan, let's be honest. So I think if you get to that place of acceptance, and and that it's okay that it's different than how you thought it was gonna

Guy:

be generous with yourself to make changes like the access

Jamie:

of reality and expectation. When you get to that axis, you have a choice. You can be happy or you can be miserable that doesn't

Guy:

cover the whole thing with gratitude. Right? Well yeah, cuz that in in those weakest moments when we're probably in our worst we can say, you know, not what you should be grateful for, but what am I grateful for? I have this and I have this and I have this and I love those things. This I wish I had maybe I'll still be pursue that. Yeah. And if it's maybe I'm okay to let it go.

Jamie:

Yeah, yeah. And

Brent:

my takeaway is listening to you to talk and kind of teach and bring your different perspectives is that it is okay. Like this stuff is real. And it's okay to talk about it. And you know, it's one thing to be happy and moving forward, it's okay to talk about it and, and reach out to people and find people after I was here. And we talked before, I have learned that whenever someone reaches out to me and says, I need something, I always say to them, please tell me what you need me to be. And I will be that person. Because I can't We can't assign everybody's needs to everybody. And and the whole concept of a midlife crisis, as we kind of joked about and talked about, there is some legitimacy to that. And there's, it's okay to feel that way. Yeah, but don't dwell on it and move forward. And I think as you guys were talking about that, that's what was going through my mind is, you know, let's, let's finish the story. Now, like the first chapters have already been written, but it doesn't, the ending is still too big to be written,

Jamie:

it's the whole Choose Your Own Adventure concept really is. So I'm going to take this turn and see what happens. And this is how I need the people in my life to support me or to help me and it's okay, if you if you have these doubts, or you have these feelings of regret those that doesn't mean your life hasn't had meaning or that you haven't made a difference. You're just going through that, that process of really looking at your life and trying to decide where to go next.

Guy:

Yeah, celebrate where you come from, and where you still can go.

Jamie:

And if you feel stuck in some of that negative aspect of it, reach out and whether it's a friend or getting some help from a professional to kind of help you process it and unpack it can be really beneficial. What do

Brent:

you remember the remember the past live in the present? Look forward to the future? Yeah, there's some legitimacy to that. Yeah, it's a good quote.

Jamie:

Yeah. So I just hope when I'm 75 Someone will invite me bowling who's like half my age

Brent:

well, now that I heard you're not a very good bowler I'll in my check a

Guy:

very good. Well, thanks for joining us, Brent. And thanks, Jamie, for sharing perspectives on midlife. Good to be here. I don't like the word crisis. Midlife. Existence, existence. Midlife evaluation,

Jamie:

maybe audit. I know. That's terrible. Taxes that just

Guy:

took us back to Texas. Very good. Well, thank you listeners for tuning into the Davenport. And we look forward to reconnecting with you next week.

Jamie:

Yeah. And just before we sign off, because we're getting close to the holidays, Brent, he makes games. So just if you're looking for a gift, get out there on game shop on Amazon and make some great games. We play him in our house all the time.

Guy:

Yeah, yep. Very good. All right. See you next week. Thanks so much for listening this week. Stay connected by following us on Instagram or Facebook at the Devin kart podcast. For more information on coaching services with Guy, visit his website, TheCoachGuy.net. For additional information regarding counseling services, the Daring Way Curriculum, or relationship counseling, please go to JamiePyattLCSW.com. The Davenport Podcast is a production of the Davenport Education Group. Show hosts are Guy Balogh and Jamie Pyatt. Our producer and editor is Erin Balogh. Our outreach manager and production coordinator is Monica Strang. Thanks for listening.

Jamie:

The Davenport podcast is provided for informational and entertainment purposes only. Although Jamie is a licensed clinical social worker and guy as a professional life coach. The Information and opinions shared by the hosts and their guests are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. The information on this show does not create a client therapist or coaching relationship and should not be taken as professional advice or guidance. Please consult with your physician or qualified health care provider regarding any medical or mental health conditions.